THE WALL

When rebuilding a marital relationship there are many steps, missteps and things that you need to be aware of. The book Nehemiah, in the bible, is the story of a man who wants to rebuild the wall of Jerusalem. What he encounters in that effort can relate well to the work that must be done when trying to rebuild a relationship

Why rebuild?
We don’t put effort in to something that we don’t value. The wall of Jerusalem was valuable to the Jews because it provided protection against neighboring enemies, and it stood as a symbol to the strength and might of Jerusalem. The fact that it presented as a shabby pile of rock was perceived as a disgrace to a once mighty people. They felt shame, and even Nehemiah who no longer lived in Jerusalem, upon hearing about the condition of the wall felt the shame of his people. The desire to rebuild was in him because he didn’t want his people, and by connection, his shame to be visible to his enemies, and he wanted his people protected. A marriage that is not cared for, like a wall will fall apart. There are constant assaults against marriage, but the people involved need to do constant maintenance so that when people look at their marriage they don’t see something unsightly, but something, even though it may have a nick here or there, that is strong and valued by it’s inhabitants.

First Steps:
Once aware of the condition of the wall, Nehemiah did something that many marriages in trouble don’t do. He confessed his sin and the sin of the people to God. You see the wall didn’t just deteriorate. The people of God, the Jews had failed to keep God’s commandments and as a result they were beaten in battles by some of their enemies. They were taken into slavery and scattered. So not only the wall was in disrepair, the people of themselves were demoralized and defeated. When sin in its many forms enters a relationship (selfishness, greed, or sexual immorality, etc.) it tends to demoralize one or the other of the partners thereby weakening the union. Whether you feel the sin is yours or another’s Nehemiah’s example is a good one to follow. Confession of sins, basically telling God what you feel went wrong and being aware that you are always part of the problem, no matter if you feel only in a small way. Ask for forgiveness, and claim God’s promise, “but if you return to me and obey my commands, then even if your exiled people are at the farthest horizon, I will gather them from there and bring them to the place I have chosen as a dwelling for my Name”(Neh 1:9) . In other words, no matter how much you’ve messed up He’s willing to fix it up if you start to do right.

Obtaining Resources:
Nehemiah wasn’t a rich man, nor was he a King. He was a lowly cupbearer to the king, an expendable individual by all standards. However he had over the years served faithfully and developed a relationship with his boss. The relationship was so close that he bravely tested it by deciding to ask the King to give him time off to go to Jerusalem to rebuild the wall. His boldness didn’t end there; he also wanted the King to fund the rebuilding. Here was a man who was all the way in when he committed to do something. He didn’t approach things in a half way manner. He was in it to win it, and knew he needed help to accomplish the task, and that help had to come from the one who held the resources. The King can symbolize God who has unlimited resources, but I think the King really symbolizes the resources of people and programs that God has put within your reach to help you succeed at your task of rebuilding your relationship. These resources can be family members who are supportive of your relationship, your pastor, a therapist, or even some self help books that may give you some tools that you can use to start addressing some of the weak areas of your relationship. Remember the wall, though too weak to provide any measure of protection, still existed, maintenance would have been less costly than the actual act of having to rebuild. Nehemiah already knew that it was in God’s will to rebuild the structure (God says in the bible that he hates divorce, and that the marital commitment is one he firmly endorses), so you don’t need to ask if God wants to save your marriage. He wants to save it in a way that is healthy for all parties so that when others see it they are amazed and desirous of having one just like it. So don’t stand on pride, ask for help, first from God, then from outside resources to accomplish the task.

Prepare for opposition.
You would think everyone would be happy when someone desires to fix up something that is broken. It’s best to prepare for the challenges, sometimes they come from outside your camp, other times the challenges come from inside your camp. What if your spouse is not repentant about their sin and sees that you are the only problem in the relationship, does that mean that the effort of rebuilding is doomed to failure? Not at all! It just means that the rebuilding will be a bit more challenging. Nehemiah first went to Jerusalem on the sly and examined the wall by night. He wanted to get a more accurate picture of the extent of the damage. He wanted to lay out his strategy without alerting those who would oppose his attempts to rebuild. He was smart to expect that there would be some people who would not be supportive. Also by seeing it for himself he was in a better position to marshal the resources available and use them appropriately. Many people will begin to rebuild on a whim or in panic and not count the cost. Then they are discouraged as the time they anticipated for the building turns out to be longer than they expected, or the resources less than adequate or the support they had counted on dwindles. Take the time to plan your strategy if you want to rebuild your marriage, look at the possibility that somewhere in the middle you may grow weary, do you have enough supports in place to sustain you through that period. The process will definitely take longer than you anticipated, expect it! Also expect that your partner may not always cooperate with your goals. However Nehemiah was not afraid when the opposition confronted him, he was prepared for their mocking and ridicule, he answered them saying “The God of heaven will give us success. We his servants will start rebuilding, but as for you, you have no share in Jerusalem or any claim or historic right to it.” He kept his eyes on the prize.

When the going gets tough. . .
Nehemiah chapter 3 tells about how the building teams were organized. Nehemiah oversaw what was being done and expected the people to do their share because they had a common goal, restoring the wall. In a relationship you tend to have just the two of you working, or more often only one. So in a sense, your job is easier than Nehemiah’s was, success is dependent on You, not on a whole lot of others. Never the less you still have to be vigilant about your repairs. You have to be involved intensely, not just go to a therapist and feel that you can now coast because the therapist will tell you what to do. You must be an expert on your relationship and be aware of all its cracks and defects. Then remember that fighting opposition is not a one time event. It’s very possible that opposition will not accept defeat but will try several ways to get you to say “OK, I give up… its clear this is not going to work”. Two of Nehemiah’s nemeses’ names were Sanballat and Tobiah, and they were determined to thwart him and get him to stop the rebuilding. They pointed out to him the futility of his task. Discouragement is always lurking when you tackle an enormous task. When that didn’t work they decided to post a physical threat to the welfare of the builders. Nehemiah and his workers were afraid so apparently it was a credible threat, however instead of closing down the project they prayed and “posted a guard day and night to meet this threat. Neh 4:9). This tells me that if the relationship is in a place where a partner needs to seek protection then that should be done. It is a way of not only protecting you, but of protecting your partner from the consequences of actions that may land them in jail. What helped the people also was to recognize that they had done some preliminary work, such as getting authority and approval from the King prior to even building. So they knew that they were not doing something underhanded. Everything was above board, their motives and their mandate was clear to the people and to their enemies. As a final precaution Nehemiah instructed the people to keep their weapon with them at all times during the rebuilding process. This is some great advice. The weapon you need to keep with you is this, your faith that God is with you as you engage in this process. It’s not about the size of the army, or the extent of their threat, while you take precautions to protect yourself; you also recognize that God has promised restoration if we are obedient to Him.

While you were fighting . . .
While a relationship is deteriorating the people in the relationship are usually not getting their needs met. Or they are adapting ways to meet their needs that are in the long run harmful to the relationship. Nehemiah was faced with that as an issue as he tried to focus on the wall. Sometimes you think you are dealing with one thing, and then you see a consequence of that thing that also has to be addressed. The people of Jerusalem were poor and had began the practice of selling their land, going to moneylenders, as well as selling their children into slavery to feed members of their family. They were being taken advantage of by the nobles, who themselves were Jews. It was a disgrace, but then again the whole city was in disgrace. The people felt that though they were not doing things God’s way, they were doing what they needed to survive. Many marriages fall apart when a partner feel sexual frustration and seek to meet his/her need for satisfaction outside of the marriage. This could be in the form of pornography all the way to sexual contact with someone other than their spouse. They argue the same thing, that in some strange way they are protecting their union by taking care of a need their partner is unwilling or unable to meet. We see this argument played out with addictions also. Nehemiah, faced with these rationalizations, could only tell the people that they needed to stop these harmful practices and to return to what they knew to be the correct way to handle things. He told them; “I and my brothers and my men are also lending the people money and grain. But let the exacting of usury stop! Give back to them immediately their fields, vineyards, olive groves and houses, and also the usury you are charging them – the hundredth part of the money, grain, new wine and oil.” (Neh 5:10-11). What I love about Nehemiah is that he led by example. He didn’t just come in on a moralizing high horse, he had been working beside them for a while, and they saw his character and had grown to respect him. So when he had to tell them some harsh truths the positive response he got was in part due to God already working on their hearts convicting them of their wrong behavior, and the example that Nehemiah had set before them as a man of integrity. Before we start explaining to our partners the error of their ways, we need to take a page out of Nehemiah’s book and live before our spouses with integrity. That is the only way you can hope to get a positive response.

And you thought it was over . . .
Just when you feel that you have dealt with all you need to, you’ve hung in there, your back on track, things are finally looking up, and then here comes some more opposition. You didn’t yield when you were presented with words of discouragement, you didn’t back down when you were threatened, but will you cave now that your motives are being questioned. Remember we addressed that in other to rebuild you need to be prepared that it will take longer that you think it should and that opposition will always be lurking around the corner looking for the right time to strike. Well the right time to strike is when you see the finish line. For some people the finish line is in sight and instead of it spurring them to sprint to it, it causes them to feel confident that being almost there is as good a getting there. They see getting there as just a matter of time, but not questionable. This is dangerous thinking. Nehemiah was near the end when another challenge came from his nemeses. This time they were questioning his motives, his integrity and putting forth a rumor that perhaps he had sedition on his mind when he asked to rebuild the wall. This could be very dangerous, remember he was cupbearer to the king, a position of great trust. The king would not be able to trust him if he felt that Nehemiah may want to overthrow him. What should Nehemiah do, stop working and go and address these serious charges before they got out of hand? Nehemiah remained focused; he was motivated and knew he had a mandate to do what he was doing. He decided to address the charges by sending a reply; “Nothing like what you are saying is happening; you are just making it up out of your head.” (Neh 6:8) Not to be deterred his nemeses try again, this time trying to use his relationship with God as a weapon. They assumed that Nehemiah, like them, had a greater love for himself, than a focus on his mission. They knew that Nehemiah would not respond to any lures from them, but what if someone said they were a prophet from God, surely that would get Nehemiah’s attention. Remember in the beginning that I said that Nehemiah had spoken to God as the first step of taking on this challenge. Therefore he knew that any prophesy that would contradict the mandate given to him by God would not be true. Why would God contradict himself? So as you try to rebuild your relationship, remember if discouragement, fear, or intimidation fails to get you to abandon your task, there is always the thought “does God really want me to be going through this, I deserve to save myself, and not work so hard at saving what may well be a doomed marriage.

There is an end!
The wall was finally completed. But that was not the true end of the story. To understand why you have to remember why the wall was broken in the first place and why the people were in disgrace. They had fallen away from Gods laws and commands. It would have been a partial victory had Nehemiah just said, “well the wall is up, I have done my job here and I’ve gotta get back to my other job, Good Luck guys” and went on his way. He wanted to know that what he has worked and sacrificed for would last beyond his presence. This phase is represented a lot in therapy when the person who had threatened to file for divorce decides that they are satisfied with the changes they see in their partner, and decide not to go through with the divorce. That is when the couple who may have been coming to counseling decides the crisis is adverted and that they are now home free. This phase however can be very deceiving because work needs to continue, whether in therapy or outside of it to insure that the same habits that caused the crisis are all addressed. Nehemiah set out to address those ills. He sought to restore the fabric of the Jewish society which had been broken down along with the wall. Then when they again knew who they were in the fabric of their society and where they belonged he wanted to restore them to the God who would be able to sustain them. He had the books of the Laws of Moses opened and read before the people. The people had long since stopped referring to God’s law as a way to measure their spiritual health. He wanted them to hear the words themselves, not commentary, or psychobabble from people and pundits. He wanted them to hear what God had said. They listened attentively and as a result they heard, they worshipped, they wept, and they rejoiced. All the hard work had finally paid off.

And now for the rest of the story:
Nehemiah stuck around for a while longer to make sure everything was put to right. He however did eventually have to go back to work with his King. The bible says however that “some time later” he asked the King for permission to go back to Jerusalem and was granted permission. When he returned he found some subtle signs that the Israelites were once again straying into dangerous territory. He made it his task, with passion and zeal to correct the wrongs that he discovered. This is not to discourage us, but to help us to realize that the work of rebuilding never really ends. You can never coast in your relationships, you must always be on guard for the enemies that can undermine and destroy it, and you must continue to walk with integrity so that you can be sensitive to the cracks that can occur in your wall. Only in this way can you practice prevention, which is a whole lot more efficient than cure.