The truth about cohabitation

Increasing numbers of young people feel that cohabitating or living together is the next step before marriage. When asked why they have taken this stance, they respond with thoughtful and seemingly logical responses. Some of these responses are cataloged in a study by Smock and Bowling, sociologist for Green State University. Their research revealed that young adults see living together as a way to divorce-proof their future marriages. However research done by Scott Stanley, University of Denver psychologist adds a different dimension to these findings. He theorizes that many of the marriages that are the culmination of cohabitation are in fact evidence of couples “sliding” into marriages, as opposed to couples “deciding” to make a commitment to a partner in a marital relationship.

In my practice I have to say that I have seen evidence of Dr. Stanley’s theory. This is purely anecdotal, and of course it is slanted because a couple who comes into counseling comes because they are having difficulties in their relationship. Unmarried couples have come for couples counseling, because they are contemplating a “premarital breakup” or “premarital divorces” as Smock and Bowling would say. What strikes me as interesting is that these sessions with the cohabitating couple resemble very closely the sessions with the married couples. The issues are the same, lack of communication, infidelity, feelings of wanting to leave the relationship. The biggest difference is that the cohabitating couples see themselves as not so much committed to the partner, but committed to the status of the relationship, and at times trapped by this status. In other words, they may own property with their partner (cars, home, pets), they may also have children with their partner. This complicates what would otherwise be a clean break up. They feel trapped, like they are in a marriage without ever having made the conscious decision to be married. They are where they are because of “sliding” and not “deciding” to be together, as Dr. Stanley would say.

Unfortunately because many couples view cohabitating as a test drive for marriage, and they never set any parameters on that test drive, many times one of the partners is ready to get of the track sooner than the other. Couples don’t formally say to each other, “We’ll live together for a year then have a discussion about whether we should get married or break up.” They just leave it vague, believing one or the other will know when it is time to formalize their commitment or abandon the relationship. This vagueness may seem exciting in the beginning, like an emotional adventure, but it later undergirds a lot of insecurity. The natural course of the relationship demands that the couple make some decisions together, decisions related to friends, family, finances. With each decision the individuals may feel a greater sense of commitment, however again because this commitment is not defined, one partner may view the decisions as indicative of steps towards a longer term commitment, while the other may view them as confirmation that the relationship as it exists is satisfactory to their partner. When a pregnancy occurs one partner may view the role of parenting as a level of permanence for the relationship, but the partner may just view it as the taking on of a parenting role, not the obligation of the spousal role. That is why many couples who live together, even when they produce a child while in the cohabitating relationship do not automatically seek to secure the relationship with marriage. The partners view child bearing and child rearing from different perspectives, and they fail to communicate this to each other.

Tension and strain enters the relationship when the partner who is now ready to formalize the union with marriage clues in to the fact that they are alone in this view. Because no promises were ever really made, the partner who wants a formal commitment feels they have no grounds to demand such from their partner. This is when a counselor will get a call, the complaint may be depression, anxiety, or the client will correctly identify that they are in a relationship which is unsatisfactory to their current needs. They will indicate that they want what is promised through marriage, and will identify that they are living out a marital life style already with a lot of it’s benefits and frustrations, but do not have the status to claim it. It’s like being given all the responsibilities of being the boss and even the pay, but not the title. Sometimes the title does matter. This is in contrast to an earlier belief that that individual may have had that “marriage is just a piece of paper” and as such not needed to legitimize a relationship. With age and maturity this view often will change for one of the partners if not both.

The other issue that is seen frequently in counseling is that there may be a real awareness by one of the partners that this relationship is not the best fit for them. However how do you untangle the strings of this relationship without causing a lot of hurt to someone that you may care about, but not necessarily wish to tie yourself to in marriage? The longer the couple lives together and the more assets they jointly acquire the more difficult the anticipated break up becomes. Several couples have indicated that they were about to break up when a pregnancy occurred, which then obligated them to stay together. They didn’t get married, but stayed together to jointly parent. When the relationship is not horrible or abusive, it is easy to stay with someone who you may acknowledge is not the best fit for you, but into these relationships will often times come infidelity. The partner who views the relationship as an expedient one will after a time continue to chase the dream of a “soul mate”, while not abandoning their current mate. This may explain to some degree why some people will have serial cohabitating relationships with children from each different partner. The truth is that children cannot replace a marriage license as a means of legitimizing a relationship. The adult’s commitment to a child doesn’t mean that the partners are equally committed to each other. They may seek out another partner and have a child with them without sacrificing their emotional commitment to the child.

Does cohabitation ever work? According to Dr. Stanley, yes, in some instances it does work. These are the exceptions, not the rule, but in cases where the couples have already made a commitment to marriage prior to living together, the likelihood that these relationships will last increases. In his research Dr. Stanley found that there is almost no difference in marital satisfaction between couples who moved in after their wedding day and those who moved in together after they got engaged. He attributes this to the “deciding” factor. The formalizing of their commitment to each other was done before they took the step of living together. The marriage license, for what ever reason just came later. The danger today however is that many couples are beginning to see engagement as an end in and of itself. It is not the step before marriage, it is the step to procrastinate and hold marriage at bay. There are many couples today who have been engaged several times or for five plus years. They live together and vaguely talk about one day getting married, but do not pursue it with any serious intent. These couples are not the ones to which Dr. Stanley refers.

In summary, cohabitation, while a cultural norm for many young adults doesn’t bring the benefits that they believe it will. If the end result they are seeking is some assurance of a stable, fulfilling, long term commitment to the partner of their choice, the research would indicate that deciding to make the commitment needs to come before the action of living like you have committed to the individual. Couples need to be intentional and honest with each other about the reasons why they are deciding to live together. If you are thinking of living with your partner because they make you happy and the sex is convenient and satisfying, but you aren’t really thinking that this is the relationship you want long term as yet, then just beware, you may eventually “slide” into a long term commitment with this person even if they are not the best fit for you. If you are thinking of living with a person because you know that marriage is the end goal, but circumstances or beliefs don’t allow for the marriage commitment at this time, then there is a higher probability that the relationship may last, providing your partner shares your view about it and is in the relationship with the same end goal. However ideally, if you are going to live together and plan on marriage, why not just go ahead and do it. Ultimately it is the “deciding” to commit and following through that really provides the stronger protection against divorce anyway.