“If she apologized, then I don’t know why you are still angry at her” the mother replied.
“Well I wasn’t angry at her until I asked her what she was apologizing for. She just gave me a look and said, Whatever you are so pissed about”. Mom she acted like I was in the wrong, like she didn’t know why I should be upset. That’s when I really got angry at her. I told her if she didn’t know why she was apologizing then she shouldn’t, and that I wouldn’t accept her apology.
Jean’s mom processed this new information and asked her daughter “What did she say when you told her that”.
“She just said “whatever” and walked away. Was I wrong to reject her apology?”
The above conversation reveals some basic truths about apologizing. One is that we as adults believe that an apology is required when a wrong has been done. Two we aren’t taught the art of the apology, which involves self examination and ownership of wrong doing, we just sort of pick it up from media examples. And three, we are often exposed to models of apologies that strike us as insincere. This nullifies the value of the apology and promotes cynicism. Jean refused to assign worth to something that was essentially worthless. For the purpose of this article we are defining an apology as: An acknowledgment expressing regret or asking pardon for a fault or offense; a verbal or written expression of regret or contrition for a fault or failing.
Why should one apologize, and if you agree an apology is needed, how do you do it? The why’s of the apology are moral (or spiritually defined) and at times legal (culturally defined).
From a moral, biblical standard, apologizing is commanded in James 5:16 Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another… The idea here is that the apology is not just an “I’m sorry”, but it is an actual confession of the offense in the presence of the offended party. “I’m sorry I spoke negatively about you to others”. Only by confessing are both parties aware of what offense is being covered. The apology is not just for the person who acknowledges that they have offended another party, but interestingly enough it is for the party that is aware that someone may have a dispute against them, even if they are not sure what that dispute is.
Matt 5:23-24 So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. In this case the purpose of the apology is not to confess, but to restore a relationship. “I am aware that you are angry with me, though I am not clear on what has caused this anger I am willing to listen and work on restoring our relationship once the matter is presented to me.” This offers the offended party hope, and is a better response than ignoring the other’s anger, or returning anger for anger “What’s your problem?” or, “What did I do now?” The reason why this is necessary is that many times overtures by the non offended party will be rebuffed because the wound was never adequately addressed, so healing was never achieved. Then new wounds build on the old, which can make for a relationship that is very damaged and difficult to repair.
At times an apology needs to incorporate more than the two parties involved as in the case of Paul and Silas and the magistrates as told in Acts 16. The police were called to arrest them, and they were pretty much roughed up then thrown in prison. They were thought to be Jews, and as such mistreated by the legal system. When the magistrates realized their error they were concerned that the Roman government would retaliate and wanted to hide their error, but Paul insisted that they own up to it and offer an apology to them directly before ushering them out of the city. Acts 16:38-39The police reported these words to the magistrates, and they were afraid when they heard that they were Roman citizens. So they came and apologized to them. And they took them out and asked them to leave the city.... Having the magistrates personally escort them out of prison was a public confession of sorts that the magistrates had wronged Paul and Silas by jailing them. In the scenario given above, the apology if sincere would have been most effective if given in front of the persons who were also there when the offence was being perpetrated. This is why it is good to encourage children to own up to their mistakes in front of the group of people who witnessed the offense. We sometimes see this prescribed where there is a public apology issued by a corporation or a country. If the offense was private, the apology can be private; if it was public the apology should also be public.
The Art of the Apology varies according to the situation. As noted above private offenses should be handled privately, but public offenses are best handled publically. Like millions of others I been subjected to public apologies on TV; by political figures, television celebrities, and sports figures. It has perplexed me why I needed to hear an apology by Tiger Woods for his sexual misconduct. His was a private offense, his apology needed to be to his family, and perhaps the people who were financially tied to him who were to be negatively affected by his misconduct, not to his large fan base and others. However there appears to be this trend towards making public individual publically atone for private misconduct. The only consequence that I can see is that it promotes further cynicism about the value of an apology.
Before a person can truly apologize they have to recognize their error. They have to admit personally to themselves that they have failed. This is the hardest part both for children and adults. Many times the apology is a consequence for getting caught and is about avoiding a worse consequence, (i.e. jail time, loss income, being grounded). However, an attempt should be made to have the offender look at how their actions have adversely affected another party. If there is any remorse then an apology no matter how awkwardly tended needs to be made. The Art of the Apology is not in it eloquence, but in its sincerity. It should reflect the genuine sorrow and regret for actions taken or not taken by the offender. Whether verbal or written, a sincerely given apology has great power. It can restore relationship, as well as heal emotionally and physically. Many are physically affected by regrets that they live with daily. Many have depression; engage in self harm (addictions, cutting, and inability to maintain healthy relationships) due to regrets that they refuse to deal with. Remember you don’t always have to know that you have offended to initiate the apology. You can also approach a party who displays anger to you and use an apology to seek reconciliation.
If the person that you believe you have offended is no longer accessible to you (death, distance, or legal restrictions) you can still apologize by writing out your apology. Be clear about your offense (what you did or did not do), clearly state the affect you believe it had on the individual (did the offense change their life?) and what you would do if you could do something different or how you plan to handle your life going forward as a testament to your new awareness (I will attempt to live my life addiction free, realizing that it is the best way I can make up or atone for what I did to you). Once you are satisfied that what you wrote adequately expresses your feelings your choices are to destroy it or to keep it. If there are no legal restrictions to your contact with the individual, you can mail it. In no part of an apology should you demand anything of the person you offended. They are not required to forgive you or meet with you to discuss the offense if this is not their wish.
A common misconception is that all apologies must be met with absolution. The only one able to give absolution is God who sees and knows the heart of the individual. He searches your heart and if your apology is sincere the Bible promises that forgiveness is given to you. Now you may still have consequences (grounded, stressful relationships, financial hardships, legal consequences, etc.) But you are assured of forgiveness. The offended party may need time to forgive the offense, if in fact they ever do, but you are to consider yourself forgiven. If you don’t then it may cause emotional harm to you and lay a foundation of resentment that undermines the healing that can be accomplished by an apology. 2 Corinthians 7:10 Godly sorry brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorry brings death. Moving forward without the acknowledgement of the offended party that they forgive you may be difficult, but it is not impossible. It requires daily knowing that your new purposefulness will daily give testimony to the sincerity of the apology given. In cases where the offense is a habit that is difficult to stop, it becomes even more important that you go through the steps of the apology each time. In AA, they have step 9 where you apologize to all the people you have wronged while engaged in your addiction. This is important, but many of these individual will admit that the apology is not the period at the end of a life of offenses. There are ingrained habits that accompany some offenses that need to be rooted out; each apology brings you closer to the root of the issue until it is finally rooted out of the spirit of the individual. So keep apologizing for any new offenses (not the old ones that you have already addressed), even if others get tired of it, you need to continue to do so. By acknowledging your offense, clearly looking at how it is impacting the lives of those you care about and making a plan to move your life in a different direction, you will be showing the sincerity of your apology. The art of the apology again is in its sincerity.
If you respond with anger at the consequences that your offense has generated, then the question is, were you really sorry? This is often the case with children. They may apologize, but then retaliate by slamming a door, or going away pouting. This plants seeds of doubt about the sincerity of the actual apology. In Genesis 4:6, Cain’s response to not having his offering accepted by God was to pout. God’s response was “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast?” He went on to tell him that his attitude revealed that he didn’t feel God was fair in how he handled the situation. Many times a child will believe an apology should cancel out a punishment (“But I said I’m sorry, why do I have to go to my room?”) Again, it’s important to realized that an apology doesn’t in itself negate some natural consequences of offending. There may be consequences that linger over time, but if your response is to be angry that these consequences are in effect, then, it may be that the apology is not as sincere as the offended party was lead to believe. Adults will also respond the same way. (“I said I’m sorry, why won’t you go back out with me?”) A sincere apology will recognize the right of the offended party to respond emotionally in a way that makes sense to them at the time (withdrawal, distance, legal separation).
Even though an apology will not take care of all that is wrong in a relationship, it is a first step to bringing healing in many. Is there a coworker that has offended you, or that you have offended? Is there a romantic relationship that is experiencing some stress at this time due to unaddressed hurts? Is there a fellow student or peer that has been causing you grief? By learning the Art of the Apology, and exercising it you will become proficient and perhaps become what Matthew 5:8 describes as a “peacemaker”. If you become a peacemaker, you are called (recognized) as a child of God. That is a wonderful designation to have following any disgrace; it implies that you have been forgiven. Live out that forgiveness by doing well!
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